What Beyoncé say? “Me, myself, and I is all I got in the end.” Well, if I keep on keeping on the route I’m taking, it looks like that may be the case for me if I don’t start making some changes. Let’s go ahead and get on the topic of relationships. I want to preface this by owning that I pretty much suck at them. I’m damn near to my mid-30s and I’ve never had any semblance of a successful relationship. Hell, I wouldn’t say they were actual relationships. More like situationships. They were all the classic stories of how a guy meets a girl and when the girl asks for simple communication; the guy acts like too much. The girl then loses her patience and confronts the guy. The guy then calls the girl crazy. The girl then says “I’ll show you fucking crazy!” And then BOOM, the relationship ends. No happy endings over this way, folks. Yes Alex, I’ll take TOXIC relationships for $100, please.
I’m not even going to put all the weight on my romantic relationships because what really bears the brunt of my issues is the relationships or the lack thereof that I have with my family. So here’s a little back story.
I was born into an old ass family. My father was 44 and my mother was 33 when I was born. My dad started making babies in the 60s and my mom in the 70s (don’t ask) so when my ass popped up in 1988, all my siblings were teenagers or just full on adults. I primarily grew up with my mom and her first two kids, my brothers Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb aka Darrell and David. Being the baby and my mom’s only girl, I was spoiled rotten. Since my brothers were in their late teens when I was born, I was showered in toys and attention because once David and Darrell left the nest; it was just me and my mom. So because of that, I was never really taught to share at a young age, thus leading me to form strong attachments to the things and people I considered mine. If one of those attachments broke for whatever reason, it would cause me to spiral. It’s pretty much that old saying that hurt people hurt people. I’m a Cancer, so I’m in my feelings daily and when they get hurt, I shut down and shut people off. For me, it’s easier to just call it quits rather than address the issue and it took me all of 33 years to realize that’s actually a toxic ass trait within myself that I need to correct.
Now I don’t want to give off the vibe that I’m just wallowing in my sorrows all the time or that I don’t have support. I’m lucky enough to have a mother who doubles as my best friend and two actual best friends who are more like my sisters than anything else. Even though they all accept me for who and what I am, I still feel like I can be better. The entire purpose of this blog is to become a better me, so in return I can be a better daughter, friend, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, and maybe even a girlfriend. Don’t count too much on that last one too much. Unless an Idris Elba doppelgänger shows up at my door with a bouquet of pink roses and a steaming hot plate of spaghetti, it’s a slim chance. I’m going to try though.
So check back here weekly if you want to see me struggle through the dating scene in this apocalypse… oops, I mean Pandemic, and also work on my relationship with my loved ones. I can tell you now that I have my work cut out for me, so wish me luck!
Sincerely,
Denetra Dee
