This section of my blog will definitely be the hardest for me because I am now choosing to expose what I’ve been going through. There are only a few people in my life that know I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and have been dealing with it silently for the last seven years. This may come as a shock to most who know me because over time I’ve perfected acting like I’m fine. I’ll smile and laugh, all the while feeling like I’m dying on the inside because I have no other choice.
I don’t want you to think every day is just doom and gloom for me. Just like with anyone else, I have good days and I have bad days. The problem is the bad days outnumber the good. On those bad days, I deal with feelings of hopelessness, crying spells, and mood swings, just to name a few. The night time is always the toughest because it’s just me in the darkness alone with my thoughts and sometimes that’s the worst place to be. If you’re wondering, yes, I am prescribed medication to take daily. The thing is, I’ve always hated swallowing pills. I also have this fear of becoming addicted to or dependent on taking prescription medications in order to live my life.
Like with most people, my depression stemmed from a singular event that happened a while back. This event opened up the floodgates to my deepest thoughts and insecurities, and I’ve been fighting to take control for years. I won’t speak on the details of that event because it’s already garnered enough of my energy and I want to focus on moving on from it.
Over the years, my mental downfall has affected so many aspects of life. From my love life (or the lack thereof), to my relationships with friends and family, and to my physical health. One of the most noticeable things that affected me was my weight. I was never a skinny girl to begin with and have struggled with fluctuating weight since I was a kid, but in recent years I’ve just been picking up more and more weight because I use food to self-soothe and breaking my ankle last year in that freak winter storm we had didn’t help either. I do realize that if I keep on this track by not making any changes in my life, it will be detrimental to my overall wellbeing, so I’m finally ready to make real changes in my life.
Under this topic, I will document all of my strides and setbacks in my mental and physical health journey. I’m doing this to hold myself accountable and to look back to see how far I’ve come. This is definitely the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life and I understand it’s a risk putting all my business, but I truly hope to find some type of healing from this and be able to learn to love myself again.
Sincerely,
Denetra Dee
